I have always felt that sometimes when we are cranky, or going through PMS or MentaLpause, or whatever overwhelming aspect of life we may be experiencing, that it can propel us to deal with things that have needed to be dealt with, or things that we often let go so that we don’t stir up the waters.  As a parent, it happened often.  I would let something go, and then when the stars were all aligned (or out of alignment perhaps), and my hormones were raging, I would finally deal with it.  Two things would usually result.  1. Often it fixed the situation, but 2. it was usually accompanied by a guilt in the way that I did it.

I recently dealt with an issue with someone that I love very much and have a great deal of respect for. I have had several life things going on, and was feeling very overwhelmed, and felt that this person was completely disregarding how I felt. Even when I attempted to explain, it felt as though it fell on deaf ears.  The longer the situation went on, the more aggravated I got, until I finally “flipped”.  I was done. It was over. I had had ENOUGH!

Now let me be completely honest here…the Bible says to be angry, and sin not.  It also says not to let the sun go down on your anger.  I do not really think I sinned in my anger, (no one was cussed, and there was no verbal abuse, or name calling, etc), but I definitely let the sun go down on my anger. As a matter of fact I let the sun go down several times on my anger.  I was really trying to do the right thing in the situation, but I couldn’t figure out what the right thing was.  I prayed and read God’s word, and googled forgiveness, and hurt, and some other things. In my heart, I KNEW what I should do, but apologizing felt so wrong to me (and my flesh said DON’T YOU DARE APOLOGIZE), because I genuinely felt like I had been mistreated and disregarded, (Oh, it’s just Marcie…she will get over it).

As I searched the scripture, one verse came up 2x and jumped out at me both times…Hebrews 12:14 Follow after peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no man shall see the Lord: 15 looking carefully lest there be any man that falleth short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby the many be defiled;

Ok… well verse 14 is just hard core… follow after peace or you won’t see the Lord, and then verse in verse 15, That the root of bitterness that springs up in me can defile many…(I certainly don’t want to defile any…. much less many!)

So I had that verse, and I knew what to do, but still hadn’t fully reached the point where I could say I was wrong.  I kept praying because I wanted to give a heartfelt apology, without any buts…. “I was wrong….BUT….”  Because those are backhanded apologies that basically say, if you hadn’t done what you did, then I would have acted differently.

So just like God does, when I shut up long enough to listen, He spoke to me while I was driving to Lawton to do some after Christmas shopping.  I was talking to Him, like I often do (as if He was riding shotgun with me), and explained my situation and how I was wronged, and asked how I was supposed to apologize without justifying my anger (or my righteous indignation). His words to me were clear and I “got it”.  This is what He said to me….

“Marcie, (Yes, He said Marcie…. because He knows my name and He knows me intimately).
When you come to me and you ask forgiveness, I freely give it to you.  I (God) did absolutely nothing wrong.  In the situation, all the wrong doing and feeling was on your part.
BUT… when you have a problem with someone, regardless of whether you feel that they are the person that was chiefly responsible for the situation, you (God speaking to me) absolutely did have a part in what went wrong.
You want me to forgive you freely, when I am totally innocent in the situation, but you don’t want to offer that same free forgiveness, when your actions DID play a part in the situation.” Wow! What could I even say to that?

My part was the root of bitterness.  I not only allowed it to spring up… but I nurtured it daily with my thoughts, and fed it a steady diet of my indignation, and cultivated it with anger.
This is what you may not know about me…. I am not smart enough to come to that conclusion. Any intelligence I have is in the form of Godly wisdom. Something I have always desired of the Lord, and something He has always shared with me.  That’s not boasting….that is fact.  I am an idiot.  When I run things myself, I usually make a mess of it. My knowledge truly does end up being foolishness when the light of Gods wisdom shines on it.

So, in this situation, I was actually able to go to this person, and truly apologize.  By letting the sun go down on my anger for several nights, it just kept me torn up inside.  And to top it all off, God would not let me tell anyone. I wanted to….reallllllly bad…. but I knew that if I talked about it, I would feed the nasty little monster of anger.  Because in the light of my account of the events, it would truly shed an unfavorable light on this person, and I can say almost assuredly that I could have reveled in their agreement with me on how wronged I had been.  Which leads me to another thing He recently spoke to me.  If someone agrees with me, it still doesn’t necessarily make me right.  It makes me feel better, but I can feel better and still be wrong.  The same way that when I agree with someone else, it doesn’t make them right either.  Because the right that I am agreeing with is the way that I have been presented the situation from their perspective.  I could very well agree with the other party if I heard their account of the situation.  It is all subjective, and if it involves another human being, there is a good chance that both parties played a role in the situation going awry.

God is not a respecter of any person.  If He would speak to me, then He will speak to you.  Just listen.  He may not say what you wanna hear, and it will most likely require some humility on your part, but it will be truth, and you will know it.
“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.” John 10:27