As I was washing dishes this morning, I was thinking about a recent conversation I had with a lady that I know. I had mentioned how much my church meant to me, and she suddenly turned very angry and informed me that she would never darken the door of “that” church after what “that” Pastor said to her son. Well if you know our church, and our pastor, you would have been just as stunned as I was. She got angrier as she talked about it, and I was speechless.  The saddest part of this story is that what she was angry about was completely untrue.  The information she had been given was inaccurate and incomplete.  And I also knew in that moment, that even though I desperately wanted to defend the truth, and my pastor, that my words would have fallen on deaf ears. Her source was the “victim” and she would believe him over me.
I have thought about the conversation several times and wondered if I should have responded differently.  My pride wanted to defend the truth. To right all the wrong information that she was spewing.  I wanted to go to her son, and call him on it. “How dare you tell lies like that!?!”

But instead I remained quiet. Several verses come to mind right here. All 4 Gospel accounts show that Jesus remained silent before false accusations. Proverbs 17:28 says, Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.

My thoughts this morning were, how sad. She is carrying around bitterness that doesn’t even belong to her. She is probably sharing that bitterness with others. And on top of it, it is based on false information. We have so many things that can make us bitter, but how many of them even belong to us? It is hard enough to move on when someone does something to us personally, and we have to deal with the anger, and forgive them. Those feelings are ours. They belong to us. But what about all the anger that we carry around that doesn’t even belong to us? The Bible says that we are to bear one anothers burdens, but it doesn’t say anything about bearing one anothers bitterness. What I am talking about is the [righteous indignation?] that we feel when we find out someone we love has been wronged. Or when we witness an injustice that literally eats us up.  I am not saying that we shouldn’t feel empathy for someone that has experienced a slight or when someone is treated unfairly. Empathy  is a wonderful human emotion.  There is nothing wrong with validating the fact that someone feels hurt or angry.

What I am talking about is something that I personally can be very guilty of. When a friend confides in me that she is having problems with a boss, her spouse,  a friend, etc., I have been guilty of picking that anger up, and doing my best to help her carry it. “He said what???” What a jerk!! And if that same person continues to share their problems with me about a specific person, eventually I can begin to despise someone that has never done anything to me personally…. ever.

Years ago, I realized that is exactly what I had allowed to happen with someone that had never wronged me in any way. After coming to that realization, I asked this person if she knew why I disliked her spouse so much. I explained that, although he had never done anything to me personally, I disliked him intensely because of things she had told me.  I then asked her why she would want me to hate someone that she says she loves.   As soon as I personally realized why I was feeling like that, I was able to immediately lay my anger down toward the “mean spouse”, and try to look at the person with more objectivity.  And she quit telling me all the things he was doing “to” her.  I can happily report that my personal feelings for that “mean spouse”  has changed significantly.

I mentioned in a previous blog…that if I were to hear the other side of the story, there is a good chance I might actually agree with them as well.  But when I listen to one side of the story and agree with that side, I have made myself judge and jury. They are guilty, and the offended person is faultless.   When we  grab a corner of their great big box of bitterness, and help them carry it, we completely validate them as the victim. The funny thing about human nature is that we usually retell a story (especially conflict) in a way that casts our point of view and our reaction in the situation in the best possible light; “They were awful….ALL I did was ____________!  (insert innocent remark here).

I am learning, as I get older, to always try to play the devils advocate.  Stay unbiased. Try to remain impartial and look at both sides of a situation. And pray.  Matthew 5:9 says, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. There is nothing I desire more than to be called a son (or daughter) of God!

I don’t want to carry bitterness around, especially if it doesn’t even belong to me.  It is an emotion that nobody wears well.  The only person that wants to hang around a bitter person is usually another bitter person. And when a bitter person can suck you into the black hole of their bitterness, they feel better, at least for the moment. But bitterness is like toxic waste. It is harmful to all living creatures that it comes into contact with. It spreads easily and it contaminates everything.

If you are carrying bitterness around… put it down. It belongs to the “accuser of the brethren” and has no place in the heart of the “Christ follower”.